It takes seconds literally for the course of your life to be altered. I mean seconds; one phone call, letter, knock on the day, you name it. I remember going to the health centre for a check-up and within minutes of being there, I was referred to the emergency department. My year was going smoothly, then boom. It happened so fast, I barely had time to process what was going on. It turned out that I was pregnant with a contraceptive coil in situ and I was bleeding profusely.
“Pregnant? How?” I cried. “Why me Lord?”
I honestly thought it was a joke. God, like seriously you must be teasing me. I couldn’t understand what was going on. You read the statistics; 99 per cent effective and why was I the 1 per cent? I cried tears. My husband was amused and confused. We were pregnant. I had not even come to terms with being pregnant when there were concerns of possible complications. For three weeks I went back and forth the hospital to be scanned and every doctor I met could not offer me any reassurance. I was dumbfounded, and my heart ached. Why me, lord and why all the complications? Not again, lord, I begged. Not again. My mind was in a state of turmoil. I was angry that God would let me hurt like this again.
I had eventually come to terms with the idea of a third baby. I had even found a name. I had convinced myself that though we were content with our two treasures, if God willed it, then a third baby would not be such a bad idea. And as I waited for days to pass till my next appointment, my heart was torn between joy and dread. I cried so much my eyes were sunken. It was such an emotional rollercoaster
Nothing prepared me for what was to follow. I had a blighted Ovum and had to have an evacuation ASAP and I was given a day to prepare. I still remember that morning; the pain, the emptiness and the hurt that followed could not be explained. My heart felt like it had broken to pieces. I felt like God had forsaken me. I sat in my car and wailed. I cried my heart out. How I managed to drive back home I don’t know. I was so angry at God. Why lord, why? How could He let my heart break again? How could He let me suffer again, after all that I had been through? I was so angry. The days and weeks that followed that day were hard, really hard. Thank God for the people who God used to encourage and uplift me.
I never knew I could grieve like that for a pregnancy the way I did, especially a pregnancy I didn’t plan for or desire. I could now understand the pain and hurt of the many women in my life who had lost babies they never met but had seen and held in their minds’ eyes. The pain you feel when everyone is thinking, why are you crying like this, move on, another one would come. Ah … It hit me bad. I remember going to church and all I wanted to do was fall on my knees and cry. God, why?
The week after my discharge, I remember asking God a lot of questions and very clearly, yet lovingly, I heard him ask me why I felt I was exempt from pain … why I felt that someone else deserved it and not me … why I felt that I couldn’t trust that He was in control … why I felt that because I had encountered loss before, so, that made me untouchable. For it was by his mercies I was alive and not by anything I had done to deserve it. He exposed my pride and my folly, and I could see how misplaced my anger was.
And I began to ask for mercy.
How easy it is to turn away from God when we experience pain. How easy it is to turn our backs on God when the going gets tough and treacherous. How we expect mountain experiences and are so shocked when the valley season come. We would rather it be all good and sweet with no bumps along the ride. Like I know God’s word says; there would be many troubles but in reality, when it happens, I still scream and cry like He never warned me. I still struggle to trust Him, and I forget that God is good in all circumstances. How prideful we are, taking God’s mercies for granted.
You see, the true test of our faith is not in our mountain season but in our valley season, at the times when it seems like all hell is breaking loose, times when we can’t see God at work, times when we can’t make sense of what He is doing. True faith is surrendering your pain, hurt and questions to him and trusting that He is sovereign, and He has a good plan for your life. It is running to him and not away from Him.
And I know that regardless of what happens tomorrow and the day after I would bounce back again because I have my father’s love and because He is in control, His grace is sufficient for me and He won’t put more on me than I can bear. I would be stronger and wiser and better because He would bring gain out of my pain. A few days ago, I shared this for the first time with a small group of women, as one of them talked about how she just had a miscarriage. I was able to say, “Girl, I too I know how you feel. I was broken too, but now am mending and you would be ok.”
To anyone reading who has experienced a miscarriage and is struggling or anyone who is shattered by a loss, I am praying that You would find the grace, strength and comfort that comes from God alone. I pray that you would surrender your hurt and pain to God and find the courage to bounce back. I pray that God would wipe your tears and give you reasons to smile and laugh again. I pray that you would hold another woman and comfort her with the comfort you have received. I pray that in due season you would find purpose through your pain.
I pray for someone else going through a valley season … who feels like God has forsaken them … who has questions in their heart and is down, discouraged and heartbroken. I pray that you run to God and not away from Him. I pray that you feel Him close. May You experience peace, joy and strength in your valley season. Be encouraged. You would get through this. Joy is on the way.
Lots of love.